They Didn't Tell Me My Abortion Would Hurt
I didn’t expect it to hurt. I didn’t expect it to hurt in so many ways that it did. It hurt for a second. And then it stung again and I winced. I heard the vacuum sounding apparatus slushing my baby away. And that wince was just the beginning of the hurt. And that sound would haunt me when I headed into the dentist to get my teeth cleaned the following month. Similar sound.
I was never told that I would experience the kind of regret and emotional struggle and wincing that ended up being deep and ongoing. It was if the torment prompting the abortion then twisted itself into another kind of torment. It was a morphing torment that moved from confusion and urgency (which prompted the decision), regret in not taking more time (immediately after) and years of ‘what-if’ winces.
The panic I had as an 18yo in discovering my pregnancy found me in a fight or flight situation. I told no one but the father of the baby (who wanted me to have an abortion). I made the decision and endured the spiritual and emotional wincing that came after. The obligatory counseling session in the clinic prior to the abortion consisted of 15 minutes of showing me a pamphlet. I asked questions about the development of the baby. They told me at my stage of pregnancy it was just tissue with no brain activity and no heartbeat (this was before ultrasounds). What-if, I had waited? I was only 9 weeks pregnant. They rushed me. They took my money to hold the appointment. Told me lies. It wouldn’t hurt. It would be over and I could commence with my life as ‘normal.’ My new normal had me wincing and wincing at these thoughts, trying to escape my own imagination for years to come. Nothing was ‘normal’ again.
I prayed. I found comfort in praying. I found comfort in pouring my pain at the feet of Jesus. But it took years and more counseling which always started with prayer to sort out the experience and find clarity. But everything always seemed hazy and blurry. The post-abortive counseling helped me to pull up the pain I had shoved down of 10 years of denying myself the right to cry, be angry, frustrated and sad. What most people don’t know is that my feelings of despair and sadness are not uncommon and happen frequently in women who abort. But for all of the advocacy for women’s health, when post-abortive women express emotional struggles we are berated, told to be tough, accused of deserving it (‘what did you expect?’) and given no resources from the abortion providers who claim we are the rare exception.
According to RAMAH International website, post abortion emotional symptoms can include a range of feelings from thoughts of suicide, depression, addiction, fear of infertility, fear of intimacy, substance abuse, eating disorders and remembering anniversary dates and fear of future children dying. I had all of those. Check out pregnancy help:
If you are someone out there still wincing from the emotional pain of your abortion, please know that there is help and you aren’t alone. Reach out and check out AFTER ABORTION or HOPE AFTER ABORTION.
And if you are contemplating having an abortion, please don’t feel rushed. Talk about your options, give yourself another day or week to decide. Be willing to see the ultrasound and address your fears. There are solutions and people who will help you walk through an unplanned pregnancy. Please know that you can leave the abortion clinic and you don’t have to show up just because you paid.
The women I know who have walked through their unplanned pregnancies very rarely regret giving birth to their child. The child living inside of you may be the greatest gift and breakthrough and miracle of your life.
Choose life! Consider the cost and know that its possible that you will save yourself years of wincing through life from the regret and trauma of making an irreversible choice that may very well leave you with unexpected feelings or regret for years.
Deanna Falchook writes about Pro-Life, Adoption and Christian Topics. She is highly focused on fairy tales and their impact on politics, faith and culture. She is the author of a book called TO BE A MOTHER and the soon to be released book called THE CINDERELLA MINDSET. Deanna’s work has been featured in THE FEDERALIST, Charisma, Breitbart, 700Club, EWTN, Faithwire to name a few. Deanna is the mom of 7 children (5 internationally adopted) and lives near Disneyworld in Orlando. You can contact Deanna on FACEBOOK or twitter @deannafalchook.